How Focusing on our Differences Prevents Supportive Mental Health Conversations.
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Let me clear - this article isn't going to say why we all need to sing kumbayah and hold hands. That's not the world we live in - so let's not pretend that it is.
Here's the thing, before COVID-19, the world was already incredibly divided on politics, racism, gender equality, economic policies, and so much more. The pandemic added kerosene to an already raging fire.
This intensified the division and added to the issues we can argue about (as if we needed more of those). Now we’re divided on getting vaccinated, mask mandates, and return to office strategies - amongst many other things.
Where we’re at these days is what I call tribalized social division.
Basically, we’re categorizing people into sub-groups that we then incorporate into our identities. People have such polarized and immovable opinions about social issues these days that discussing their differences feels impossible. Because if you disagree with someone else, at all, it means that you’re against them entirely — and there’s no room for discussion.
Obviously, this rigid mindset isn’t great for resolving our differences or finding common ground. It’s only encouraging hatred and distance from those who disagree with us. And fanning the flames of anger, frustration, and a host of other negative feelings. On top of that, peoples’ political views unexpectedly come into play in basic conversations where we, historically, may have not expected them to.
It's not lost on me that reestablishing constructive, public discussions will take some time - if possible at all.
All these personal divisions create roadblocks and challenges when it comes to discussing mental health — which is something we all share — regardless of who we are, what we believe, or where we come from. If we can’t bridge the divide between our differences of opinion, then we miss out on an important way to connect with one another.
In case it's not explicitly clear, I'm not saying that you should look past every single difference of beliefs you have and support every single person for their mental health. There will be some people who believe in things that are so hurtful, hateful, and harmful that you could barely stand being in the same room as them - and rightfully so. I even have those feelings about some people! But, for those whose opinions you disagree that are on a tolerable scale - there's opportunity there.
Thankfully, there are some steps we can take to open a dialogue and create a connection on something that matters to a lot of people.
OUR (MANY) REACTIONS TO DIVISION
It’s an understatement to say that we’re all under a lot of stress. With these lines of division forming, what feels like firmer and firmer every day, we’re dealing with a number of intense thoughts and feelings on multiple levels.
Psychologically, it’s completely understandable that you don’t feel the warm fuzzies when you’re around others who have opinions that you fundamentally disagree with and really bother you.
These negative thoughts might sound or feel something like this:
“How the hell could they believe in that? Haven’t they seen the data?!”
“I don’t trust them — and how could I?”
“I know we don’t agree and I think they may judge me for how I feel. There’s no way that they won’t respect my beliefs or opinions.”
At the same time, you’re having physiological reactions to the constant stress brought on by global events and feeling threatened due to disagreements with others.
And your amygdala — a significant structure in your brain that processes your fight/flight/freeze survival response — thinks it has to prepare for war. Why? Because a sabertooth tiger (think: stressful event or disagreement) wants you as an appetizer.
Although sabertooth tigers are long extinct, our bodies can’t tell the difference between the types of stress or threats we encounter. All your body knows is that you’re in survival mode feeling intense emotions, and it reacts accordingly.
As your mind and body change, your behavior does too. Communication in your relationships could become strained or distant, you might stop trusting others, and the rapport you once had might break down.
All this, eventually, spills over into the workplace.
Teamwork problems and communication breakdowns occur. And you stop “playing nice” with others. Why? Because you bring your entire brain — experiences, biases, and all — to work and you can’t just leave these things at home (whether it's virtual or in-person).
Needless to say, we’re dealing with a lot when we focus on these social divisions and our differences of opinion.
OUR SHARED MENTAL HEALTH EXPERIENCE
Focusing on our divisions and differences of opinion doesn’t just affect our behavior and actions. It has long-term effects on our mental health too.
For starters, you’re not exactly going to feel safe talking to others if you despise their beliefs (a mild way of putting much worse things I’ve heard people say). And this visceral response means you won’t feel the need to support that person on something personal and meaningful.
Instead, you may feel distrustful of their thoughts and opinions — which means you’ll naturally be on guard and less open to a constructive conversation.
And that, right there, is a missed opportunity to connect with someone, which isn’t an unreasonable reaction.
For millennia, we’ve stayed away from all things that seemed “other” or different from us. But focusing on the differences between you and others, means you stop focusing on what you share or have in common.
Mental health is one of those shared opportunities.
Why? Because we all deal with our mental health and emotional well-being. It’s a shared experience and what makes us human — no matter our gender, cultural background, political views, social beliefs, etc. (even though these factors absolutely impact the type of mental health experiences we can have).
We’re all learning to navigate these difficult times and social divisions. And we’re all trying to deal with our feelings and emotional reactions the best way we know how — whether that’s getting angry, being afraid, living in denial, going with the flow, or something else.
“… [At the end of the day, we’re all] struggling to adapt to an unstable, changing and volatile ecosystem… The changing of this ecosystem has brought out the best in some and the worst in others; it’s unified some and divided others. It’s had a massive impact on our mental health and become a significant complication (and therefore roadblock to overcome) in the mental health conversation.”¹
BRIDGING THE DIVIDE
When it comes to crossing the divide of differences, there’s something I want you to remember:
You don’t need to have supportive mental health conversations with every opinion adversary that you encounter at work. That’s unrealistic (and ridiculous). But there is an opportunity for you to look beyond some of those differences — so on occasions that you feel it may be worth trying, you can cross that divide.
How exactly do you do this? How do you look past your differences of opinion and connect with another?
Start by finding common ground about how you’ll communicate with each other — for any issue, not just the current ones.
You may not be able to agree on much that’s going on “out there” in the world. But you can agree to be respectful and supportive of each other, especially when someone is going through a tough time.
Try defining what respect and support look like for both of you during communication. It could be:
Actively listening, without judgment.
Reflecting on the other person’s opinions.
Clarifying or asking questions to better understand.
Normalizing the other person’s feelings.
Offering encouragement or empathy.
Sharing your own stories or alternate perspectives (if welcomed).
Keep in mind that your goal is to connect with the other person about something we all share: mental health (even if you can’t get on the same page about other topics).
It’s not to persuade someone to get on your side about your differences.
As you start communicating (using the above tools), consider these talking tips to open up the conversation and bridge that divide:
Focus on the positives (without venturing into toxic positivity).
Acknowledge the bad stuff, even if you feel uncomfortable about it.
Keep in touch and provide support as best you can.
Be flexible and understanding of what the other person might be going through.
With this approach, you can strengthen your relationships — not just in your personal life, but at work too. The goal is to try to rebuild any lost trust and (hopefully) bolster any frayed bonds.
This will be a slow process and that’s ok.
There are times when it may not go well. But we all need to start making some shred of effort in this arena or we can kiss goodbye any chance at constructive discourse.
FOCUS ON MENTAL HEALTH CONNECTIONS
Focusing on a shared connection, like mental health, is difficult during these times of social division. We’re all under an unimaginable amount of pressure, trying to deal with current events and our emotional well-being at the same time.
It’s a tall order — but this is the time when we should be supporting each other the most.
We can find common ground and a way to communicate with one another if there is shared willingness on both sides. We can show up for and support one another. Others may not be willing, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
All it takes is one success story of people bridging the gap to encourage others to do so too.
Ready to learn more about our shared mental health experiences and cross the divide of differences in the workplace? Reach out to Melissa to set up a fireside interview.
Want to read more about how to start mental health at work conversations while taking individual differences into account? Check out Melissa’s new book.
Sources:
Doman, Melissa. Yes, You Can Talk about Mental Health at Work: Here's Why ... and How to Do It Really Well. Welbeck Publishing Group, 2021.
